I use to believe in god. I use to pray every night, use to sing in choir, use to be an alter girl.. but I can’t believe in god now. I can’t believe in anything right now. My grandmother, who gets scared when I stroke her hand or touch her arm is lost to me and there nothing I can do to fix anything. I half expect some kind of mythical creature to be in one of these seats, Jesus just sitting in this room sipping one of the billion cups of tea I made looking up at me nonchalantly, but that won’t happen. I need to know after this, after death she is safe. Faith is bullshit. I need to know. I don’t care what religion is right. I don’t care if we are really an ant farm in some alien kids room, or a really detailed snow globe in space, I don’t know, I don’t care… but I want more for, who she is then to rot. But that’s all that happens. She will be cremated and who she is as a person will be burned and tossed into a fancy jam jar. My whole family, the main person who loved me and took me in no matter what. My grandmother loved me, she loved me more then anyone.
If satan was a thing, I think it would have shown up… I think, with the way I feel now, I might trade in my soul, or whatever humans would use to bargin with to save my grandmother. Why not. But none of those things exist… really wish they did. Whoever I gotta talk too to make this fucking bullshit from happening. But all the chairs are empty. And soon the bed will be too.